I guess change comes with stretching and a little pain. I guess life is never perfect. I guess when you are happy in one way you become unhappy in another.
I guess change makes masks come off and secrets become unveiled.
I guess God is the one who knows what I'm talking about, so God, here I am again.
Why is it that now that I know I follow you with all my heart and mind, is when I feel like people think I am doing otherwise?
Why is it that all the people who I have struggled to love are now showing their bloodthirsty mouths and sharp nails?
I'm just tired of looking everywhere for you again. I need you close. I can't adjust to change without you.
Sometimes when life is at its worst you seem so close. When life goes down to normal searching you becomes a challenge. Its hard, and to be honest, it seems like I can do things on my own, without you.
But then, all this is because of you. If I wouldn't care, I would just be a robot and avoid all the problems.
I guess sometimes I want more approval from people. It would be cool for everybody to be happy with my choices. At least my own mother.
I have never had her approval, so it shouldn't be such a big deal. I've done my stuff and proven my point. I've pushed forward and sooner or later she realizes I was right. But I just hate all this sneaky-fake-victim attitude.
She cares more about what it will look like to have a daughter like me than my salvation. At least that is what it looks like. I try to understand her, but I just can't. If she really really thinks she understands all this "salvation" theory, how can she be so worried about me? It just doesn't make sense.
I don't think any "church" is perfect. I won't ever find the perfect place, because its not about the place. I can go to the same church my whole life, but if I have never turned everything over to God and sincerely talked to him about my life... it doesn't work. Being the best church member, or being the best servant, or doing the most sacrifices... NOTHING is like being honest with God. I am not always honest with God. Sometimes God tells me in my heart to not do something and I go ahead and do it... but I know I need him, and I know I am complete when I come to him and turn everything over.
God I need you really bad. I need you to teach me what to do. I need you to guide me and to show me that you approve. In a personal way, please God. Be real right now.
Show me the way, because on my own I can mess up really bad.
