Interrogantes sin fin

No es difícil saber lo que debo hacer, si lo comparamos con la dificultad de ponerlo en práctica. A veces sabemos las cosas, ¡son obvias! pero no las vemos o... no las queremos ver. ¿Habrá existido en algún momento de la historia un hombre que escuchaba la voz de su conciencia como se escucha una campana? ¿Será el desorden del contacto constante con lo material que nos hace sordos? Una vez me asaltó una idea que no me ha dejado de perseguir desde que nació en mi mente: si me alejo lo suficiente el mundo material y de los placeres inmediatos hay más oportunidad de escuchar a mis propios pensamientos, o a mi conciencia, o a Dios... ¿Eso significa que los debo dejar? Mi debate interior siempre ha sido el mismo: ¿Es posible ser lo que soy (lo que quiero ser) y lo que Dios quiere que sea al mismo tiempo? Al dejar de ser lo que soy (lo que quiero ser en el sentido caprichoso) lo único que dejaría de ser lo que otros piensan que soy, ya que si se que hay dos opciones para ser, ¿cual soy? UNO en el ahora y DOS en potencia... ¿Qué está impidiendo que esa potencia se convierta en realidad? Es lo que quiero, aunque también hay dos tipos de "quiero": el "quiero" mundano, egoísta, natural; y el "quiero" REAL, desprendido, sobrenatural, espiritual y sensible. ¿Es posible ser los dos "soy" y vivir los dos "quiero"?

Primero: ¿que implica el primer "soy" y "quiero"?
Soy voluble, influenciable, a veces sumisa y débil. Soy algo que quiere agradar a todo el mundo, amar a Dios, si... si... Dios tan grande que parece inalcanzable, el que trato de servir, el que otros adoran a lo que parece ridículamente. Es el Dios que a veces me visita, aunque no siempre le abro la puerta, Soy feliz porque mis metas son alcanzables, porque vivo cómodamente, porque la otra gente cree que soy auténtica, ágil o virtuosa. Es el "soy" tan parecido a "ese soy yo" de la fotografía.
Tomemos este ejemplo: hay una fotografía de mí. El fotógrafo eligió tal luz, ángulo, etc., por una razón, la más probable porque según su criterio esos eran los que destacaban más mis atributos. Así es como me ven todos (o algunos) ¿Lo que les muestro en la fotografía son mis mejores atributos? ¿No podría verme mejor? Lo que ven de mi es una imagen plana y sin vida, sensible a la lluvia, la decoloración por el sol, las arrugas... alguien que vea la fotografía desteñida y vieja nunca sabrá como fue... ¿Estoy dejando que todo aquello nuble lo que soy? ¿La persona detrás de la foto? Esa persona, creo, solo la conoce Dios, y a relampagazos otras personas... ¿Como hago para que soy salga tal como es en la fotografía? ¿Será no exponiéndome al sol ni la lluvia? ¿Es posible? ¿Cuales son esos elementos que deforman la fotografía? Una lista interminable que algunos llaman pecados. Los pecados afectan mi alma, ¿será que también afectan esa parte de mi que no es el alma? ¿Lo que se ve (en la fotografía)?

El primer quiero es: quiero ir al cielo, que bueno sería ser santa... quiero disfrutar mi vida, quiero no hacer el mal... quiero ser "normal"... quiero tener una buena situación social... quiero que Dios no se enoje conmigo... quiero vivir mi vida ignorando todo esto!!!!!!!! Quiero vivir en... ¿paz?

Pero también hay otra opción de "soy" y "quiero":
Ese "soy" no engaña a nadie. Ese "soy" comprende el fin de la vida mundana como un sinfín de pruebas existentes solo para comprobar que merecemos la VIDA (eterna).
Vive a Dios como el que está sobre todas las cosas, no solo lo dice y lo piensa. Ese "soy" cae y se vuelve a levantar, sin dejar de ver su fin, el cual es permanecer limpio. Ese "soy" es más alma que cuerpo, es más adentro que afuera y es más fuerte que charlatán. Ese "soy" es honesto con si mismo y con los demás, no se justifica porque no se cree digno para ello.
No se guarda secretos ni para si mismo, ya que no es nada, pero a la misma vez es todo. Caemos en pensar que nuestro mundo termina cuando termina nuestra vida y no nos damos cuenta que no es nuestra vida y que nunca lo será. El único encargo que tenemos es guardar esa alma y esa vida para su dueño.
¿Y cuál es el "quiero"? Es simple: ser dignos de lo que nos han dado y de lo que se nos ofrece. ¿Como somos tan egoístas en pensar que no hay fuerza mayor que la de nuestra razón? Si lo que buscamos con nuestra razón es simplemente comprender (o tratar de comprender) esa razón que nos rige y que en total nos creó.
¿Pero entonces porque razonamos? ¿Por qué siempre buscamos llegar al límite del entendimiento por medio de la razón? ¿Por qué hay razón, porqué existe, si lo que nos rodea son misterios? ¿Dónde termina la razón? ¿Por qué entonces no nos dan solo la fe? Porque somos libres... nos dan la oportunidad de intento. Lo difícil no es razonar, es DEJAR DE RAZONAR.
¿Existe una verdad? ¿Será que lo que me falta es una aceptación a lo incomprensible? Dudar se me ha hecho habitual, explicaciones me parecen excusas. ¿Se que no soy digna de conocer la verdad... pero porque me atormenta? ¿Por qué solo surgen dudas incesantes? ¿Porque todo es interrogación?
Hoy me causó cierto impacto el hecho de que en menos de 24 horas me hayan llamado desconfiada con dos ocasiones, por lo que se podría decir dos personas totalmente opuestas. ¿Es el ego? Creo que lo que me pasa es que niego la derrota de la razón. Me parece que se asemeja a lo que ocurría con los que pensaban que la tierra era plana y que terminaba en el vacío, y que pasaba si la tierra era realmente redonda. Los que creían eso no se rindieron hasta demostrar su certeza, los otros murieron en su ignorancia. Rendirme me parece estúpido, pero a la misma vez humilde. Yo que tanto critico a los pretenciosos y orgullosos, ¿seré yo la peor de todos? Duda, duda, duda, quisiera que me dejara en paz... ¿Por qué me persigues conciencia? Quisiera dejar de ser mar un rato y convertirme en cielo... ¿será todo esto rebeldía contra Dios? ¿Que pides? ¡No! ¡No me lo digas! no quiero saber... ¡Déjame en paz! ... Algunos me pueden decir rara, otros complicada... Otros desconfiada... ¿Que pasa si Dios no es Dios? ¿Que pasa si la verdad no existe? ¿Que debo hacer? ¿Que debo hacer por Dios?

Destiny

Destiny… what’s destiny… we have liberty in our acts, so… who says that what's done is not fruit of our own deeds and not something that was already foresaid? Who plans our past present and future? Is the world really spinning around me? It seems so egotistical to say it, but most of us really act as if it did. That reminds me of another thing I would like to refer to… sometimes we commit the error of seeing life as 24 hours in a day and 10 square meters around US, but life’s true meaning could never come from there, the world seen that way starts to close up on us, it pinches and scratches us, this conception of life is totally suffocating, I know, because I have felt it--- sometimes I get tired of figuring out my own idea of how TRUE life should be and I fall into the comfortable habit of living how I see others live it… but here is my point on writing: MY OWN IDEA OF HOW LIFE SHOULD BE LIVED… I have my hopes and fears… but I fall over and over again, sometimes I feel so fake when I cant live up to my ideals, I feel like I don’t practice what I preach… not like I preach either, because that also takes guts to say what I really think in certain circumstances and then I fall into acting like I think others want me to act, and the sequence that follows the action is guilt inside/act not guilty outside… but what really matters is the inside! Yes, this is the first and most important idea: in my life sometimes it is hard to act exactly as I think I should act, maybe because I change circumstances or companies and get influenced by opinions or not even that… just by attitudes that make me feel weak when I am before them. Sometimes I think I have a really clear idea of what should be, and then with some influence of something or somebody this idea changes all of a sudden, and I feel like my thoughts are nothing, empty or selfish, (This is not an excuse, it is just an explanation but I do not want in any way to fall into excusing my way of acting, with this I just am trying to understand myself. So, first to live correctly I need to THINK=ACT, here comes the complicated part (all this seems so obvious when I write it down but practice is so much different to theory…) First, what do I think? Second, how are the acts that go together with those thoughts?

What do I think?

Ok, what's every day life like? Sleep, wake, eat, talk with FAMILY, bath, get dressed, go out of home, study, talk with OTHER PEOPLE, talk with FRIENDS, and go out for fun… come home, live family life, work, sleep. Life varies and sometimes we do other things beside these or maybe not all but for me each one of these is very important in how we construct ourselves.

Sleep: when we sleep we dream, we laugh, we cry… we see ourselves, we are ourselves… we let ourselves act… we suffer we… rest? So, if we suffer like in real life why do we forget about it and start our other life as soon as we wake as if nothing ever happened? Why? I don’t know, but I think it is because only we were in that dream. Others were there but they were what we think they are or what we want them to be… we worry about real life when we know others are conscious of us. No one will ever know the shameful thing we did in our dream, but in real life they will- that worries us. No one knows how much we loved someone in a dream, or how much we hated- but in real life we don’t know if they should know, or if they feel the same towards us, and we worry… in sleep we rest cause in that strange world inside our head we live alone. (Do we? ***)

Wake: one step from one world to another… in less than a second. We transfer from the monsters in our deep mind to the monsters in our material world. We turn into what we’ve constructed in a lifetime from what we created in some hours. How minuscule is that second where we remember all we really are… really? Ok, ok, yes what we really are, I guess that must be accepted. Wake, what a word… I love it, what if we are really not awake? , what if it all is a dream? , what if the world is really created by our minds and we are waiting to wake into a world we do not know cause we’re sleeping? What's real? … This is what I ask myself when I look at the sea, or the sky, so deep… what's real? Who can tell me?

Eat: yes, a pleasure… or, a necessity? Nope, a pleasure… for us sure it is. What would happen if we could not taste or feel? Would we eat? Nope, we would introduce food in our bodies the easiest way possible without worrying about it… because we worry about things we want or because of things that aren’t the way we want them to be. We eat when we worry, or when we are happy, when we socialize, when we enjoy alone… well, we also eat so our stomachs will not growl... We pick the tastes, the colors, the shapes or sizes of our food to indulge on ourselves, to make our… our… our what happy? To feel pleasure… ok, back to the same point: we eat for ourselves, others don’t feel our pleasure! Only us… selfish again… I hope not to get the same conclusion out of all the next points… because LIFE CANT BE THAT!!! PLEASE, I DO NOT WANT TO DIE OF DISCOURAGEMENT… I can’t be so selfish… but… could we live without pleasure? Could we? Could we life FOR OTHERS ONLY?? I would love to think so… I will continue organizing my thoughts, this is fun… not noticing till now how I really think…

Talk with family: our family can’t pretend they don’t know us, but do they really? Don’t they judge us just as others that judge us? Family life makes us discover feelings like self pity, humiliation, courage, anger, misunderstanding, envy, rebelliousness, self consciousness

… Thankfulness, patience, LOVE, admiration, forgiveness… We can’t choose our family, and they are not there only for us but WE are also part of it and the unit would not be the same one without us. Are feelings really as we see them? Does each person live feelings as we do? Do we use those feelings our family has for us to live comfortably? It is hard not to be greedy with love that can’t end… Here the only solution would be self control, because then comes pride, dirty pride, and once more we are SELFISH. But in family one can rip off that mask, and instead of taking and taking we can learn to give, fight against self pity and forget about ourselves. The problem is that that position of pride is comfortable, and in a family sometimes we are not expected to give as much as we can because of the first reason, family is family no matter what. Again, it depends on us. Families also have the tendency of getting used to each other, and stop trying to know each other as they really are. The fact that they live together does not mean they live in each other’s life. One has to want to know each member of the family and at the same time be open to get known, if that does not happen, the distance grows bigger and bigger and pretty soon it all becomes a false atmosphere. Distance between family members can create mistrust and deceit… Because if we think the other person doesn’t care, we stop caring too. Once the distance is there, it has to be overcome as quickly as possible, and that is the hard part, because life continues as usual, the distance is invisible but also uncomfortable, and it soon becomes a vicious circle.

Destination (not destiny) exists… but we accept it or not with our acts… destiny in the sense that we have a clear destination and the things that happen and the things we do are because we choose the “path” or maybe the “type of path” that we follow, it’s kind of like this:

(I understand myself with examples) The road is there and the destination is too… but sometimes we do not want it or are too blind to see it… when we take decisions and act, we fall back, take shortcuts or just put the rocks, stumps and traps along the way… destiny is there but we make it true along the way… cause what's time anyway? Who decides what already happened and what is about to happen? We don’t… I try once and again to rebel against the idea but I can’t ever win, there is a God and I believe he is the real… not the dream, but the real, we do not wake every day, we wait for the wake, that’s what we all live for… God knows… but he lets us… cause we are selfish… we are not made to be selfish, that’s why it seems so contrary to me… we are made to life for THE REAL through others… it seems so simple to me now… I was thinking with a “me” point of view… but really, it can’t be that way… understanding is confusing, because it’s too simple…

Destiny is our life from beginning to end… but we don’t see it because we are still living in it

The only part of our destiny that we can see is the one that already passed through our hands.

In my spirit

Today I feel a little better sentimentally… but I have had so many spiritual doubts lately… I can’t describe them well enough, I don’t know how to explain them, and I am afraid to write them because then it would be like confirming them. I wish I could keep avoiding the subject this way, sometimes when they suddenly spring up in my mind I hear a voice that tells me to ignore them, it tries to convince me that they are nothing, but I wish I would really know what they are. I wish to unite myself so closely with God that the world wouldn’t be a necessary thing for me, as it is now. I don’t know if desiring this is trying to take “the easy way”… I neither know if such a place that I desire really exists, that if what I really am yearning is spiritual peace and forgiveness from God. I again hear that tempting voice (it speaks to me but I think it is my “bodily will” cause I don’t know what else it could be, anyway it is something that speaks trough my mind and is hard to ignore as it seems to me it is my own bare logic) that tries to convince me that I am sure to commit the same sins right after being forgiven. My soul doubts… I no longer have such temptations as before… they have not completely disappeared, but they come in smaller force, and as soon as they overcome me I pray to be saved from them (sometimes it is so hard I almost fall by an inch)… but I doubt, my soul is afraid of giving its full confidence, it yearns to, but at the same time it gets restrained. I sometimes I’ve felt such peace in my miserable soul at such times, and I ask myself why I am not always in such a way… There have been the days in which sit in silence, with no people around me to distract my thoughts, that’s when all this comes to me… I wish to feel this peace permanently in my soul how can I? I wish not to leave, but when I do, I forget… I distract myself with other things and laugh at my own doubts… but they come again and again… I LOVE my worldly life, but am I so selfish that I am denying something with my entertainments? Sometimes I wish I would have a spiritual director to tell all these doubts, but I (again this tempting voice in my head) predict he will tell me that the best thing to do is to try to integrate God into my every day life by including him entirely in all I do… Is this what I should do? I have never opened my soul to anybody, never told my spiritual doubts to anyone, from fear of being misunderstood. I ask one thing… grant me peace!!!

Normal

I seem to always leave what I am writing half way done and never finish up... But anyway, the things I have not written I suppose will always be hidden in some part of my memory, or they will be told to some person along the way, although I doubt they have any mayor importace for people I tell them to.
I sometimes would like to know why people "act" like they are interested in what you tell them, I have the theory that people listen just to see how much the person has problems similar enough to their own problems.
Who is interested more in others than in themselves? I think NOBODY... Do friends really exist? Is it not really an ego thing? Is there really real love? I dont think so... but then, that is losing hope! That that I imagine and wish for, if that really didn't exist what would be ther reason to keep looking?
Sometimes the real thing seems to appear, but then it gets smudged by some dark fingerprint... REAL people, or SICK people? What is REAL or NORMAL? It's kind of easy being normal, just be what others want you to be... Who defines normal? The crowd... What if the crowd is wrong? No. It will never be unless it gets proven, but before you are able to prove it you will be categorized as UNnormal. In conclusion: normal us what the crowd defines as normal, not what normal really is.................
I had just decided some minutes ago to write what came through my mind at the moment, and that's what came out. I really didn't start writing this to talk about normalities or anormalities, but that is what seemed to be on my mind.
My head is such a mess, like as if I needed a cabinet to organize it... I think so many things without end, sometimes my free mind needs some conclusions, that means effort, something I usually avoid if I can.
I love leaving my mind alone, let it loose!! That for me is the most fullfilling activity... I wonder if that is bad... I think that I think just for the fun of it, but never getting anywhere, never deciding on one point what it is that I like, want or am. It's like spaguetti.
Thinking of giving that up hurts, but at the same time I think it would develop my brain better, I need to exercise it more, maybe I could even get to liking the idea of coming up to some conclusions to all that thinking.
Sharing it wouldn't be a bad idea. Why think so much for myself? Really, what a waste, for me it isn't because I enjoy it, but really I'd enjoy it more knowing what I think! Sounds weird, but it's true, I need to know what I think and what I know and what I feel, cause although I know lots of things go through my mind I let them go, I'll try to keep them up and organize my thoughts and feelings.

I wish

I wish… I wish I could really do all the things I want to do, and do all the things I say I will do, I wish I could express what I really feel and what I think, because I feel that what people see of me is like what I see when I look at myself in the mirror (you know, it’s you, but not really you, not the real you, a flat image of what you are on the outside)… I wish I wouldn’t have to put words on to what I think and what I want to express, it’s so hard for people to understand fully (for some people to understand even the bare minimum), I wish I could make the people that surround me understand without having to word my meaning to them, that way I could tell them all I want them to hear, not little scattered bits of irrelevant information interrupted here and there by their own one inch by one inch and a half of mental sky pieces… fuck!! Not even here can I make my meaning clear… only me----now (this minute, this place) can I picture it in my own mind, who knows if I will read this tomorrow and not know what fuck I had in mind when I wrote this (which will probably be the case)