Destiny… what’s destiny… we have liberty in our acts, so… who says that what's done is not fruit of our own deeds and not something that was already foresaid? Who plans our past present and future? Is the world really spinning around me? It seems so egotistical to say it, but most of us really act as if it did. That reminds me of another thing I would like to refer to… sometimes we commit the error of seeing life as 24 hours in a day and 10 square meters around US, but life’s true meaning could never come from there, the world seen that way starts to close up on us, it pinches and scratches us, this conception of life is totally suffocating, I know, because I have felt it--- sometimes I get tired of figuring out my own idea of how TRUE life should be and I fall into the comfortable habit of living how I see others live it… but here is my point on writing: MY OWN IDEA OF HOW LIFE SHOULD BE LIVED… I have my hopes and fears… but I fall over and over again, sometimes I feel so fake when I cant live up to my ideals, I feel like I don’t practice what I preach… not like I preach either, because that also takes guts to say what I really think in certain circumstances and then I fall into acting like I think others want me to act, and the sequence that follows the action is guilt inside/act not guilty outside… but what really matters is the inside! Yes, this is the first and most important idea: in my life sometimes it is hard to act exactly as I think I should act, maybe because I change circumstances or companies and get influenced by opinions or not even that… just by attitudes that make me feel weak when I am before them. Sometimes I think I have a really clear idea of what should be, and then with some influence of something or somebody this idea changes all of a sudden, and I feel like my thoughts are nothing, empty or selfish, (This is not an excuse, it is just an explanation but I do not want in any way to fall into excusing my way of acting, with this I just am trying to understand myself. So, first to live correctly I need to THINK=ACT, here comes the complicated part (all this seems so obvious when I write it down but practice is so much different to theory…) First, what do I think? Second, how are the acts that go together with those thoughts?
What do I think?
Ok, what's every day life like? Sleep, wake, eat, talk with FAMILY, bath, get dressed, go out of home, study, talk with OTHER PEOPLE, talk with FRIENDS, and go out for fun… come home, live family life, work, sleep. Life varies and sometimes we do other things beside these or maybe not all but for me each one of these is very important in how we construct ourselves.
Sleep: when we sleep we dream, we laugh, we cry… we see ourselves, we are ourselves… we let ourselves act… we suffer we… rest? So, if we suffer like in real life why do we forget about it and start our other life as soon as we wake as if nothing ever happened? Why? I don’t know, but I think it is because only we were in that dream. Others were there but they were what we think they are or what we want them to be… we worry about real life when we know others are conscious of us. No one will ever know the shameful thing we did in our dream, but in real life they will- that worries us. No one knows how much we loved someone in a dream, or how much we hated- but in real life we don’t know if they should know, or if they feel the same towards us, and we worry… in sleep we rest cause in that strange world inside our head we live alone. (Do we? ***)
Wake: one step from one world to another… in less than a second. We transfer from the monsters in our deep mind to the monsters in our material world. We turn into what we’ve constructed in a lifetime from what we created in some hours. How minuscule is that second where we remember all we really are… really? Ok, ok, yes what we really are, I guess that must be accepted. Wake, what a word… I love it, what if we are really not awake? , what if it all is a dream? , what if the world is really created by our minds and we are waiting to wake into a world we do not know cause we’re sleeping? What's real? … This is what I ask myself when I look at the sea, or the sky, so deep… what's real? Who can tell me?
Eat: yes, a pleasure… or, a necessity? Nope, a pleasure… for us sure it is. What would happen if we could not taste or feel? Would we eat? Nope, we would introduce food in our bodies the easiest way possible without worrying about it… because we worry about things we want or because of things that aren’t the way we want them to be. We eat when we worry, or when we are happy, when we socialize, when we enjoy alone… well, we also eat so our stomachs will not growl... We pick the tastes, the colors, the shapes or sizes of our food to indulge on ourselves, to make our… our… our what happy? To feel pleasure… ok, back to the same point: we eat for ourselves, others don’t feel our pleasure! Only us… selfish again… I hope not to get the same conclusion out of all the next points… because LIFE CANT BE THAT!!! PLEASE, I DO NOT WANT TO DIE OF DISCOURAGEMENT… I can’t be so selfish… but… could we live without pleasure? Could we? Could we life FOR OTHERS ONLY?? I would love to think so… I will continue organizing my thoughts, this is fun… not noticing till now how I really think…
Talk with family: our family can’t pretend they don’t know us, but do they really? Don’t they judge us just as others that judge us? Family life makes us discover feelings like self pity, humiliation, courage, anger, misunderstanding, envy, rebelliousness, self consciousness
… Thankfulness, patience, LOVE, admiration, forgiveness… We can’t choose our family, and they are not there only for us but WE are also part of it and the unit would not be the same one without us. Are feelings really as we see them? Does each person live feelings as we do? Do we use those feelings our family has for us to live comfortably? It is hard not to be greedy with love that can’t end… Here the only solution would be self control, because then comes pride, dirty pride, and once more we are SELFISH. But in family one can rip off that mask, and instead of taking and taking we can learn to give, fight against self pity and forget about ourselves. The problem is that that position of pride is comfortable, and in a family sometimes we are not expected to give as much as we can because of the first reason, family is family no matter what. Again, it depends on us. Families also have the tendency of getting used to each other, and stop trying to know each other as they really are. The fact that they live together does not mean they live in each other’s life. One has to want to know each member of the family and at the same time be open to get known, if that does not happen, the distance grows bigger and bigger and pretty soon it all becomes a false atmosphere. Distance between family members can create mistrust and deceit… Because if we think the other person doesn’t care, we stop caring too. Once the distance is there, it has to be overcome as quickly as possible, and that is the hard part, because life continues as usual, the distance is invisible but also uncomfortable, and it soon becomes a vicious circle.
Destination (not destiny) exists… but we accept it or not with our acts… destiny in the sense that we have a clear destination and the things that happen and the things we do are because we choose the “path” or maybe the “type of path” that we follow, it’s kind of like this:
(I understand myself with examples) The road is there and the destination is too… but sometimes we do not want it or are too blind to see it… when we take decisions and act, we fall back, take shortcuts or just put the rocks, stumps and traps along the way… destiny is there but we make it true along the way… cause what's time anyway? Who decides what already happened and what is about to happen? We don’t… I try once and again to rebel against the idea but I can’t ever win, there is a God and I believe he is the real… not the dream, but the real, we do not wake every day, we wait for the wake, that’s what we all live for… God knows… but he lets us… cause we are selfish… we are not made to be selfish, that’s why it seems so contrary to me… we are made to life for THE REAL through others… it seems so simple to me now… I was thinking with a “me” point of view… but really, it can’t be that way… understanding is confusing, because it’s too simple…
Destiny is our life from beginning to end… but we don’t see it because we are still living in it
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