In my spirit

Today I feel a little better sentimentally… but I have had so many spiritual doubts lately… I can’t describe them well enough, I don’t know how to explain them, and I am afraid to write them because then it would be like confirming them. I wish I could keep avoiding the subject this way, sometimes when they suddenly spring up in my mind I hear a voice that tells me to ignore them, it tries to convince me that they are nothing, but I wish I would really know what they are. I wish to unite myself so closely with God that the world wouldn’t be a necessary thing for me, as it is now. I don’t know if desiring this is trying to take “the easy way”… I neither know if such a place that I desire really exists, that if what I really am yearning is spiritual peace and forgiveness from God. I again hear that tempting voice (it speaks to me but I think it is my “bodily will” cause I don’t know what else it could be, anyway it is something that speaks trough my mind and is hard to ignore as it seems to me it is my own bare logic) that tries to convince me that I am sure to commit the same sins right after being forgiven. My soul doubts… I no longer have such temptations as before… they have not completely disappeared, but they come in smaller force, and as soon as they overcome me I pray to be saved from them (sometimes it is so hard I almost fall by an inch)… but I doubt, my soul is afraid of giving its full confidence, it yearns to, but at the same time it gets restrained. I sometimes I’ve felt such peace in my miserable soul at such times, and I ask myself why I am not always in such a way… There have been the days in which sit in silence, with no people around me to distract my thoughts, that’s when all this comes to me… I wish to feel this peace permanently in my soul how can I? I wish not to leave, but when I do, I forget… I distract myself with other things and laugh at my own doubts… but they come again and again… I LOVE my worldly life, but am I so selfish that I am denying something with my entertainments? Sometimes I wish I would have a spiritual director to tell all these doubts, but I (again this tempting voice in my head) predict he will tell me that the best thing to do is to try to integrate God into my every day life by including him entirely in all I do… Is this what I should do? I have never opened my soul to anybody, never told my spiritual doubts to anyone, from fear of being misunderstood. I ask one thing… grant me peace!!!

Normal

I seem to always leave what I am writing half way done and never finish up... But anyway, the things I have not written I suppose will always be hidden in some part of my memory, or they will be told to some person along the way, although I doubt they have any mayor importace for people I tell them to.
I sometimes would like to know why people "act" like they are interested in what you tell them, I have the theory that people listen just to see how much the person has problems similar enough to their own problems.
Who is interested more in others than in themselves? I think NOBODY... Do friends really exist? Is it not really an ego thing? Is there really real love? I dont think so... but then, that is losing hope! That that I imagine and wish for, if that really didn't exist what would be ther reason to keep looking?
Sometimes the real thing seems to appear, but then it gets smudged by some dark fingerprint... REAL people, or SICK people? What is REAL or NORMAL? It's kind of easy being normal, just be what others want you to be... Who defines normal? The crowd... What if the crowd is wrong? No. It will never be unless it gets proven, but before you are able to prove it you will be categorized as UNnormal. In conclusion: normal us what the crowd defines as normal, not what normal really is.................
I had just decided some minutes ago to write what came through my mind at the moment, and that's what came out. I really didn't start writing this to talk about normalities or anormalities, but that is what seemed to be on my mind.
My head is such a mess, like as if I needed a cabinet to organize it... I think so many things without end, sometimes my free mind needs some conclusions, that means effort, something I usually avoid if I can.
I love leaving my mind alone, let it loose!! That for me is the most fullfilling activity... I wonder if that is bad... I think that I think just for the fun of it, but never getting anywhere, never deciding on one point what it is that I like, want or am. It's like spaguetti.
Thinking of giving that up hurts, but at the same time I think it would develop my brain better, I need to exercise it more, maybe I could even get to liking the idea of coming up to some conclusions to all that thinking.
Sharing it wouldn't be a bad idea. Why think so much for myself? Really, what a waste, for me it isn't because I enjoy it, but really I'd enjoy it more knowing what I think! Sounds weird, but it's true, I need to know what I think and what I know and what I feel, cause although I know lots of things go through my mind I let them go, I'll try to keep them up and organize my thoughts and feelings.