Maybe I hide these things away because only I see the bright side. Not to say that my life was happy, because it was not; but simply to say that all these sad and broken experiences don't define me as the person I am now.
What a relief it has been to get to know God, not as a name or an authority, but as a person.
I can't see Him, and sometimes I know I can hear Him... That's not much of a communicative type of person, seeing it from a human point of view, but only knowing He is real and alive makes me want to pursue Him and get to know Him more and more.
I don't look back at my life and think how unlucky I was, and I don't envy other peoples life either. I have developed an instinctive curiosity for other families and relationships though... I want to observe how real families work, and how loving fathers treat their children. If I could choose my father to have been loving, I don't think I would. The way I see him is so distant and cold that actually thinking of him being warm gives me the creeps. I don't wish to change my past, I think it has formed me to be the person I am, and maybe what keeps me hopeful is the dream of some way correcting his mistakes with my future.
When I try to figure out why my heart is broken, I don't understand how little things can hurt me when I have gone through so much. Maybe I thought or made up that God had given me enough suffering for one life. Maybe I was expecting it to be my way from 2005 on.
God teaches me to hope, and to love. That is what I did, and that is what I do. So if I look at it that way, this all must be part of His carpenter work on me. I am willing to keep being formed, but I am afraid of walking by my own footsteps and not by His. I feel, and am certain, that He has guided me through all this. He has consoled me, he has given me little gifts along the way.
I don't want to make a list of all the tragedies in my life, but I know it's important to not forget them, because they are a part of me. Maybe growing up in an insensible type of home has made me insensible about those things, but then, if I could be "sensible" to them, what would be the use of lamenting myself all day long?
I don't know if some day I will love my father, I don't know if I will ever know what the image of a healthy father is. I want freedom so one day I can give freedom to the father of my children.
I don't want this to be about me. I know I need healing, and that I'm broken in many places, but it makes me uncomfortable to draw attention in to my past. I don't have secrets, and I am willing to share anything about myself, but I don't like to be in the spotlight -and it sort of requires a spotlight if it's going out to the light at all.-
I feel like it is time to surrender inside, and not worry about the outside. There is some rason why I am all the way out here -you would think Costa Rica is all the way out here, but it's not, this is- He has taken me out here for a reason.
It's like a nest, when I can just lie inside the egg, under God's warm wing. It will be time soon to break the egg and fly, but now I just feel like I don't even have to put words to my prayers, He is so close to me and He is watching me grow.
I should not be afraid of being feeble and weak, maybe I can be, for once in my life. Maybe I should renew my perspective about being fragile and broken, maybe it's not a bad thing to be. I am so afraid of being weak.
I haven't ever let myself be weak, only during very short periods of time. -And well- in the presence of God.
I see myself as a strong person, I pride myself of my hardships, because I can use them to help others. Sickness, anger, rejection, poverty, deceit, danger, loneliness... They are big things, but, so many people suffer more, so many people don't have a way out... I got the way out. Why would my life be important to talk about if the bad times have already passed? Should I, and we, not focus on active problems? I just want others to open up so I can share my piece of pie.
So... God... Heal me and free me, and show me when to speak. I trust you, and I want to know you. Continue your plan in me, I want your kingdom to come.
Proverbs 24:3 (The Message)
and understanding to set it on a firm foundation;
It takes knowledge to furnish its rooms
with fine furniture and beautiful draperies.
Matthew 5
You're Blessed
3"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
4"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
5"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
6"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
7"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.
8"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
9"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
10"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.
11-12"Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
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