Lost

I'm at this point again, where I am bitter, angry, sad, hurt and frustrated. All the circumstances around me make me feel trapped. The thing is that I'm not sure if it's the circumstances problem or if it's my own problem.

If I could slip away and forget everything I probably would feel the same.

I hate having that secret wish of slipping away. My day dream is slipping away. To someplace unknown, where money doesn't matter, where physical things don't matter. It really sounds like someone that would be suicidal. Obviously I'm not, not even close, but sometimes I think it would be nice to be able to disconnect from this tiring world and go away to someplace where I actually have energy to move and look beyond my own limited circumstances.

Now that I've gotten to a certain place in my life, where the future seems kind of mapped out for me, is when I don't want to look up and see what's ahead. Oh the thought of babies... oh... oh... I just think tired, fat, messy, loud, draining. It makes me sad to think this way, why should I think this way? It makes me such a bad person.

I think of having a house (30 years, yes 30... years of monthly slavery) I think of having a car (8 years of drain), credit cards, and so on... the future is just made of bills, work and work.

Dreams are simply impossible, unless the dream is having a house and car. Having to be a slave to bills cancels dreams. I hate this life. Who wants this kind of meaningless routine in their future?

Babies are more money, and they grow up to hate you anyway. They grow up to not even want to answer your phone calls.

And work. Work is so stupid. Your young so they drill you for being inexperienced. Then you grow old and they reject you for being old fashioned. That's terribly sad. A lifetime of this is what lays ahead of me.

At least I have love... wait... love? That's another matter.