In my spirit

Today I feel a little better sentimentally… but I have had so many spiritual doubts lately… I can’t describe them well enough, I don’t know how to explain them, and I am afraid to write them because then it would be like confirming them. I wish I could keep avoiding the subject this way, sometimes when they suddenly spring up in my mind I hear a voice that tells me to ignore them, it tries to convince me that they are nothing, but I wish I would really know what they are. I wish to unite myself so closely with God that the world wouldn’t be a necessary thing for me, as it is now. I don’t know if desiring this is trying to take “the easy way”… I neither know if such a place that I desire really exists, that if what I really am yearning is spiritual peace and forgiveness from God. I again hear that tempting voice (it speaks to me but I think it is my “bodily will” cause I don’t know what else it could be, anyway it is something that speaks trough my mind and is hard to ignore as it seems to me it is my own bare logic) that tries to convince me that I am sure to commit the same sins right after being forgiven. My soul doubts… I no longer have such temptations as before… they have not completely disappeared, but they come in smaller force, and as soon as they overcome me I pray to be saved from them (sometimes it is so hard I almost fall by an inch)… but I doubt, my soul is afraid of giving its full confidence, it yearns to, but at the same time it gets restrained. I sometimes I’ve felt such peace in my miserable soul at such times, and I ask myself why I am not always in such a way… There have been the days in which sit in silence, with no people around me to distract my thoughts, that’s when all this comes to me… I wish to feel this peace permanently in my soul how can I? I wish not to leave, but when I do, I forget… I distract myself with other things and laugh at my own doubts… but they come again and again… I LOVE my worldly life, but am I so selfish that I am denying something with my entertainments? Sometimes I wish I would have a spiritual director to tell all these doubts, but I (again this tempting voice in my head) predict he will tell me that the best thing to do is to try to integrate God into my every day life by including him entirely in all I do… Is this what I should do? I have never opened my soul to anybody, never told my spiritual doubts to anyone, from fear of being misunderstood. I ask one thing… grant me peace!!!